Monday, December 10, 2012

Did She Know...?



Guess she just wanted to test the waters, said words but they were never followed up by supporting actions, now it's just me in this desolate mind state I seem to find myself in, wondering whether anything she told me ever held any meaning.

Was it all a ploy? As most love to play this game & why should it be what she wants merely because she was the first to take a shot, granted she might defend that it was done in order to save her from any future hurt through a perceived & construed diabolical plot. But had she ever taken the time to think about the possibility that her actions would lead me to, in that same future, commit this emotional crime she thought I was capable of to another, as now she has forced me on a path to a place of which I previously wanted no part of whether awake or in slumber.

See the one I once loved has left me in the hell of my despair ridden with the pain that, since our last encounter, brought me to the devilish actions & misrepresentations of self & the meaning behind those very planned attacks that left me to wonder & plunder the hearts & minds of the rest I will run into on this path to my end, till I reach that end.

But was it all for the sake of merely playing pretend, because it was the questions she asked that made me fall deeper than I initially intended. Had me blind to the creeping & blatant cheating that I must now try & shrug off, when it was the world that I wanted to give her, the one that I wanted to, for as long as possible, call lover, confidant & friend. But now she’s just someone I used to want to get to know & every time I see her my stomach turns in the anticipation of her words making me sick to my soul because all I hear are lies & the intentions of one I can never again trust with my time let alone my heart anymore.

In truth, being an asshole is like being a racist. None are born that way; they are made to be that way by their surroundings & interactions with others. They say not all women are the same and neither are all men, but my question still remains “Did she know... that her actions would kill off another from what he was to what she envisioned him being before that person was even him.

So did she know that this would be the end of me, as much as it would be his beginning?

Nikolai Tjongarero

(Born and raised in Windhoek, Namibia, Nikolai Tjongarero has been selected as one of the contributors to The Ground's Ear Contemporary Verse from Southern Africa poetry anthology. You can tumble Nikolai's poems, social commentary and ruminations online where a version of  Did She Know...? first appeared.)